top of page

Add here"

Abandon: The music will start soon.

Abasement: A good place for storing old lawnmowers, sports equipment, and last year’s forgotten projects.

Abdicate: To forever consign one’s six-pack to the gunnysack.

Abominable: To set the fuse on an explosive device.

Absurdity: A contrary opinion 

Abundance: A lot like a pole dance, but it costs you a bit more.

Accusation: A most effective tactic to destroy an opponent’s argument.

Adamant: The first ant, who after being stepped on in the Garden of Eden, has never forgiven us. He has been invading our picnics ever since.

A.D.D: Attention Deficit Disor . . . Oh, look! A squirrel! – Dr. Benjamin Hartnell

Adulteration: The process by which gender-affirming care allows children to bypass puberty.

Adverse Side Effects: When you discover there’s no cure for the cure.

Advice: The reason why those sexy swimsuit photos encourage you to buy athletes’ foot lotion.

Ahwazinnafoothiminnawhu: So intellectually and morally advanced, you could never even begin to measure up. So trust us.

A.I.: The assignment of human intellectual tasks to computers. Flawless, except for having been designed by humans. Air Contritioning: That atmosphere of regret you feel when you realize you didn’t get away with it.

Algorithm: A music genre popularized by a certain American politician.

Alone: The condition inside your head where you meet your most treacherous companion.

Amalgamated: In many relationships. Amazon: Not always a prime place for a dip.

Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill, a right-hand pocket or the left. – Ambrose Bierce

Analyst: Amateur proctologist.

Anarchy: When there’s no government like no government.

Antagonist: The one relative guaranteed to bring you grief.

Anteater: The one guest you must carefully watch at the family picnic.

Antechamber: What happens when you don’t clean under the sink.

Antelope: Formican marriage rebellion.

Anteroom: Where you forgot to sweep up the crumbs

Antimony: Why we will switch to digital currency

Antiseptic: The one relative you should never invite to family dinners. – Thanks to Gary Grano.

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offense. – Ambrose Bierce Apple: A fruit that charges with every bite. Arkancide: Serendipitous Resolution of a political conundrum

Armada: To provide Ada with weapons

Artichoke: Shortness of breath at the very thought of entering a museum

Artifacts: Things about Arty you may have been wondering about.

Artificial Intelligence: The brave new world we will awaken to when Hal becomes our big brother.

Aquatic: What you got under your skin when you went swimming despite what your mom told you.

Ascent: What Shorty may experience while waiting in line for a ticket to the show.

Askant: To question a female relative.

Aspersion: a. Person obsessed with derriere. b. Person possessed with derriere.

Assault and Battery: When Your Tesla Bolts over a Pedestrian

Asterisk: a. Not always a safe bet. b. The likelihood of you being hit by an asteroid. – The Uxbridge English Dictionary. Astute: You know it's rude, so you blame the dog.

Asunder: The correct position to use when occupying a chair.

Atheist: A theist whose god has a mind of his own.

Attention Dumpster Disorder: Often discovered when texting while walking.

Augmented Reality: When the line between imagination and truth no longer exists.

Autabiography: Your life story, including what you have auta done, while omitting what you shoulda not done, as required for clarity.

AutoCorrect: Frightening proof that Artificial Intelligence has a mind of its own. His name is HAL.

Aztec Two-Step: Spontaneous dance where one’s colon leads to a dash.


Baby Broomers: Born in the hard times, and we’ve been sweeping up after you ever since.

Bad: Really now, How much worse can it get? Bad Trip: a. 2020 year in review. b. 20-21 now c. Is it over yet? Balderdash: A race for the follically challenged. – Uxbridge English Dictionary

Band Aid: A fund-raiser for an orchestra.

Bandicoots: 50 Years. Class Reunion.

Barista, Baristo, Bariste, etc.: Apprentice Barrister.

Baroque: Insolvent, but not without grandeur.

Beacon: Embark on a life of crime.

Bedrench: Minor injury often sustained while prone. Please don’t ask.

Bedrock: Most inopportune time to knock on the door

Berated: What you got when you just took a chance on Netflix

Bibble: To nibble one’s kibble with dribble.

Bible: Official arbiter ambidextrously applied by those hoping you will neither have read nor attempted to understand its contents. See Science.

Bicycle: Disgendered two-wheeler.

Bidenism: The speaker’s nightmare that occurs when one begins a sentence without having the words necessary to complete it.

Big Picture, The: What you got when you studied at Collage.

Billows: That doesn’t mean you will collect, though.

Bitcoin: a. A digital asset of inestimable value. a. A digital asset of inestimable value.

Blabbergasted: When you’ve no solution for the circumlocution.

Blue Grass: Resut of accidentally rolling over a smurf picnic with your lawn mower. – Wiley’s Dictionary

Blushing: A trait that politicians have learned to avoid.

Boarder Crisis: When your tenant can’t be evicted.

Bratwurst: The very naughtiest of children. The Uxbridge English Dictionary.

Bravefart: We all know it’s you; you might as well admit it.

Breakneck Speed: The speed at which the sound of a siren produces the first lawyer.

Bribery: Nothing to worry about. It’s only a venal sin.

Broccoli: Have you ever thought it might not like you either? Brutish: Excessively British

Btfsplk: a. Surname of a character from Dogpatch, always a harbinger of misfortune. b. Language spoken by government officials, always a harbinger of misfortune.

Burn Notice: What you receive from the fire department when tax delinquent - Wiley’s Dictionary

Cabotage: What the picky eater did with the slaw.

Camping: When you spend a bunch of money to live like a homeless person

Cancellation: Social Justice sentence for the capital crime of mopery.

Cantaloupe: When you’re all dressed up and can’t find the ladder.



Carpeting: An activity commonly accompanied by noteworthy views of city lights or other vistas.

Carrion: What you hope is not going in the overhead.

Carrot: What happens when you ignore that minor bump.

Castanet: When you still want to fish, but you’re out of bait.

Catalyst: Sylvester’s family tree.

Catstrophe: What Fluffy just dragged in.

Cellfish: When you spend all your time on your phone, ignoring others.

Cell phone: a. Traditional communication device for Tardigrades. b. A popular personal device, both communicator and computer, with the additional advantage of shielding one from personal contact.

Chicanery: Machiavellian game of pin the tail. Best accomplished when onlookers are blindfolded.

Childhood: The period of human life between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth two removed from the sin of manhood and the remorse of age. - Ambrose Bierce

Chocolate: If you’re late, it’s already ate.

Clamity: It started like such a lovely day at the beach.

Circumference: If it hadn’t happened when I was born, I don’t think I would have gotten a round to it.

Coffee: The person upon whom the coffer coughs. (First noted in Washington Post 2015.)

Coffer: The person behind you in line, clearing their throat.

Coffin: Where the coffer stops coffin.

Cold Snap: Anatomical proof of climate change.

Collusion: When there are two figments in your imagination.

Colonies: Settlements along the Alimentary Canal.

Colonnade: Vile-tasting remedy for upset stomach and indigestion.

Colophon: Communication device for borborygmi.

Comeuppance: What you pray for when caught with them down.

Concourse: What the Sopranos study in the slammer.

Congressional Inquiry: You never can tell, when you’ve o[ened a hell, how soon you can put back the lid. Rudyard Kipling Conscience: Popular subject for study in the slammer.

Constable: Where the sopranos gather for dinner.

Contact us: Thank you for calling. Your call is just another rant to us. All our reprehensives are busy with other criers. Please continue to grate. Your call will be answered in an order you wouldn’t believe.

Concurrency: Barter bucks for use in the slammer.

Consult: Disrespectful invective from behind bars

Contemporary: A short stay in the slammer.

Conundrum: Problematic method of birth control.

Cookies: a. What we warn our children of before they play in the park. b. What our children warn us of before we play on the net.

Cornish: A little bit corny, but not quite.

Correctangle: A polygon after having angular affirming care. No species is safe.

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda, Oughta: It’s like that sometimes. Get over it.

Counterculture: What you forgot to clean up after last night’s dinner.

Covert: New member of secret religion. COVID-19: The process by which your circadian rhythm is reset to Pandemic Standard Time.

Crash Course: School for stunt drivers

Cremation: a. Chosen by those hoping for a smoking hot body. b. Alternate for those who think out of the box Cumberless: Severe shortage of raw materials at Vlasic.

Curator: I warned her not to go near that dog.

Cured: Good news for people. Bad news for pigs. – Wiley’s Dictionary

Currant events: Hopefully, they will be oatmeal raisin cookies.

Current event: When Peter pokes his fork in the toaster.

Cursive: Punitive exercise inflicted on grammar school boys, known to cause the development of expletive speech. Curtail: Canine signaling device.

Cyber: A prefix indicating that what follows is of great intellectual worth and may not be challenged. ​


​Death: The final eviction. Debate: What you put on de hook to catch de fish.

Debater: When you decide to argue with your girlfriend. . . Don't bother. You can't win.

Defenestration: Time-tested method of honoring the clergy.

Default: De same mistake you made before.

Degrade: What you got on the final because you fell asleep during the all-nighter.

Delegation: “As Flies to wanton boys are we to the gods.” Shakespeare

DejaPoo: The awareness of having heard this same old crap before.

Descent: De olfactory experience. Particularly, de fragrance you call to mind when considering the sound of this word. See also, Ascent.

Di-agnostic: To expire without ever believing in anything.

Dictionary: A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work. - Ambrose Bierce - The Devil’s Dictionary

Dipthong: Extremely skimpy swimwear.

Disasterbate: When you can’t stop thinking about all the worst possible outcomes.

Dogmatism: Formal worship of man’s best friend.

Dormant: The ant who found your messy room at university, gets his degree, follows you home, and brings his family. DUI: What you got for the penny you put in your mouth before the breath test. ​


​Eating Disorder: The application of mustard to one’s hamburger.

Ecosystem: Possible harbinger of an ecosystem.

Ego: When E’s ready to leave.

Elocution: Death by rhetoric.

Emergency: An opportunity available equally for the benefactor as for the thief.

Energy Crisis: When the coffee pot is empty.

English Teacher: One who finds more in the tale of Romeo and Juliet than Shakespeare could have possibly ever realized.

Enthusiasm: Buoyancy of spirit lasting until reality is met

Epicurean Paradox: a. The mechanism that allows unbelievers personal license. b. Buy now. Pay later.

Esoteric: Trust me. It’s too complex for you to understand.

Et Cetera: Latin phrase used to disguise the fact that you really haven’t done all your research.

Eventuate: That huge lasagna you could not resist. And then you needed Cannoli?

Expectorate: When what you expected failed because you had not opened the window.

Explains: Where the deer and the antelope ain’t.

Exponent: The guy who just floored you.

EZ-Pay: The vampire attached to your bank account. ​


Fact: The all-important “F” often missing from the word information.

Factism: An obsolete philosophy placing an unwarranted emphasis on truth. See Antifa.

Fee-Fi-Phobia: Fear of giants. - ElArroyo.Com

Fartlek: I always thought it was that snotty clerk at the city office, and I’m not sorry to have called him that. Fatisfaction: The sheer joy of eating lasagna.

Fecund: Between first and furred.

Fetus, (alt, Foetus): Living tissue, ambidextrously regarded as a parasite or infant, according to the “host”. See Zygote. Fiendish Plot: Someone planted kale

Filibuster: When you have nothing to say but you just keep talking.

Finger Food: What the critter got when you fed him through the cage.

Firing Squad: When you show up to your meeting at HR, and security greets you.

First Mate: Polygamy always has a beginning

Flabrication: The reason you are gaining weight.

Flatter: My tire compared to those who are driving b

Flippancy: Cheeky display of wardrobe artistry.

Flu Symptoms: 100% preferred over death symptoms.

Forbidden: Implied sanction to challenge.

Forklift: Hoping it’s lasagna, or maybe a few meatballs.

Free: Message caption most likely to be followed by a half-hour video for toe fungus remedy.

Free Radical: A demonstrator who makes bail.

Freudian Slip: When you say one thing and mean your mother - Anon

Froth Estate: Our last hope for well-informed journalism and public information

Future: That vast expanse in the stream of time we still have available to regret.


Gang: An organized mob dedicated to protesting restrictions on freedom such as laws, ordinances, etc.

Gallows Humor: Even that ain’t funny no more.

Generation Gap: When your high school uniform no longer measures up.

Gardyloo: Warning given at the start of political debate.

Gendermorph: The evolutionary terminus of the human race.

Gibbet: Dystopian criminal hangout.

Ginger Snap: When your red-haired cousin nails you with a great comeback. - Wiley’s Dictionary

Gold: How the addition of a single letter adjusts your personality.

Grey Scale: When set 10 lbs. Light, it makes the years go easy.

Gypsum: Because there is always someone who wants a deal.

Guynecologist: If he can’t spell it, perhaps you should not make the appointment. ​

Happiness: Nature’s way of informing human resources that you’re overpaid. – Scott Adams

Happy Medium: The one who just sold you a line of BS for $50.00

Hairline Crack: Snarky comment about male pattern baldness. (Perhaps behind your back.)

Hangover: Your body telling you you failed the IQ test. . . Again.

Happy Medium: The one who just sold you a line of BS for $50.00

Hate Speech: The application of logic to your belief.

Hazardous waist: When your waist takes a seat next to me on the plane.

Hereafter: When you enter a room and ask yourself “What am I here after?”

Hidden Talents: Skills usually not evident until the keg runs dry. Generally prompted by the first notes of Karaoke. High Winds: Breeze coming off a hemp farm - Wiley’s Dictionary

High Tea: Somebody spiked the infusion. It caused confusion. High times ensued.

Himplicate: What you assume he might mean.

Hippocampus: School for very large aquatic animals.

Hippocrates: Containers for large aquatic animals

Hisgender: A microaggression you may engender when you misgender another’s cisgender.

Hispanic: When he first sees the bald spot.

Homage: Better than a rest home.

Homonym: Nom de plume for Transgender sock puppet.

Homophone: LGBTQ communication device.

Hyperbole, Hype: Genteel synonym for Bulls***.

Hyperspace: Special room for restless children. - Wiley’s Dictionary

Idiograph: Congressional seating chart.

Idiopathy: A psychological disorder marked by replacing logical discourse with frequent invective

Idiosyncrasy: Close-order drill for the mentally challenged.

Idiots: A cadre of cerebrally independent people often bestowed with positions of honor.

Illegal: a. Acts subject to prosecution. b. Acts subject to prosecution.

Immature: How boring people describe fun people. – ElArroyo.Com

Imprest: Where you may likely find the little rascal napping.

Improper Fractions: Offenses for which the math teacher lost his job.

Inconsequential: FUGGETTABOUDIT! It’s not going no where.

Inertia: Your excuse for not doing anything today, or yesterday either, for that matter.

Inflation: What you noticed about your money when you tried to buy groceries.

Interestingly: Opening word, guaranteed to be followed by snores. 3 pages, maybe more.

Interrogatory: Standing straight at seventy eight.

Intoxication: The result of making pour decisions

Investigator: Research position for studying and describing aquatic animals. No experience necessary. Great benefits.

Irony: Absence of wrinkly.

Irregular Verb: Instruction from the esoteric matrix. Isolate: Sorry, I so overslept.

Isthmus: Nonsectarian winter holiday. ​

Jargon: When Peter poached the preserves.

Karayucky: What happened to the music when the keg ran dry.

Kick: The final item on one’s bucket list

Kindred: The foreboding that overwhelms you just before a family holiday get-together.

King Charles: Very popular breed. Friendly, good with family, small size

Kismet: The moment of osculation. ​

Laboratory: Speech given at a research facility.

Lackey: And you forgot the code? No way are you driving this car home.

Lambaste: Best done with garlic butter and rosemary.

Laptop: Perhaps not the best place to save photos of what happened on your lap.

Lechicon: Debased dictionary Legit: Last resort escape technique.

Listless: When you send your husband to the store just for milk and eggs, and he says “Don’t worry.”

Litigator: Legal helper whose work is appreciated according to how well the suit fits.

Livery: A lot like liver, and not any better with onions or bacon, either.

Locomotion: Insanity defense.

Logorrhea: Unfortunate alimentary conclusion, er. Occlusion.

Lollygag: The reason why mom told you not to run with that sucker in your mouth

Looking: Boss of the loo.

Lunchables: What you snack on when you can’t pronounce charcuterie.

Mahogany: Marriage arrangement specific to forest populations.

Malediction: language style unrecognized by those who use femalediction

Mangoes: When he’s good and ready; b. When his wife tells him; c. When he can sneak out.

Malaise: Tasteless sandwich spread.

Mandate: It doesn’t mean that anymore.

Mammoth: Gigantic species of Lepidoptera.

Mars: The long-awaited sequel to the Donner party. The New Devil’s Dictionary.

Mass Hysteria: Someone spiked the communion wafers. Wiley’s Dictionary

Mental Illness: Proximate cause of womental illness.

Magistrate: Madge uses only traditional pronouns.

Mansplain: It’s a guy thing. (He’s hoping you won’t ask any more questions.)

Meagre: OK! You've got my vote.

Meanderthal: Our evolutionary ancestor who spent most of his time just wandering around and not doing much of anything

Meldrop: Really! Not the best pick.

Memory: The facility by which we . . .er . . . Now where was I?

Mendicant: When it’s time to just throw that sock in the trash

Metaverse: A virtual world, first settled by psychiatric patients, into which we have now been chucked by Zuck. Michelin Man: When your spare tire dunlops over your belt.

Middle Age: That awkward period in life when you are no longer too young to care, but not old enough to know better.

Minimoon: Minor wardrobe mishap.

Minks: a. Diminutive ecclesiastics. b. Capitol of Belarus

Misadventure: What happened at girls’ night out.

Misapprehension: That feeling of angst when you discover your girlfriend is in the slammer.

Misfortune: a. When your girlfriend cleans up at craps. b. When you get cleaned out at craps.

Misinformed: Your girlfriend after you told her where you went last night.

Mistake: Dog got it.

Moculator: This dangerous animal was thought to be extinct until we captured this one and locked it safely in this ca . . .

Money Laundering: The result of not checking pockets before washing. Legal ownership transfers to the person doing the laundry.

Monstrance: A real word. Were you to learn the definition, you would not be able to sleep. So, we’ll just leave it right there, OK?

Moot: Quiet North American ruminant

Moraine: Seattle weather forecast

Morass: a. Symptom of overeating. b. Often a result of using the refrigerator door as a night light.

Moron: Recently discovered fundamental atomic particle. Most commonly found in areas of human activity,

Moth ers Day: Perhaps the best example showing the importance of proper word spacing and correct spelling. Mutate: What happened to the

Mistake. Mute: To employ aggressively peaceful tactics to silence contradictory speech.

Mustache: OWW!! I’ll bet that hurts!

Myopia: I’d prefer it were yours.

New Year's Resolution: I know it’s the same as last year. But hey, I’m only human. I was distracted.

Nevertheless: Actually, you’re full of it.

Nillionaire: One who has little or no money.

Non-Sequitur: The missing link between evidence and conclusion.

Nostrum: Momma don’t allow no guitar playing here.

Notable: a. Totally useless. b. Having to eat while holding a tray on your lap

Nothing: Acts of repetitive noth. ​

Oblivion: Dormitory without an alarm clock. – Ambrose Bierce

Obstinate: Firmly convinced of one’s stupidity.

Onomatopoeia: What always happens when you are ready to go out the door.

Opaque: No clear definition available.

Opiates: Allergenic substances. Symptoms include amnesia, homelessness, breaking out in handcuffs, etc.

Ordnance: Implement ambidextrously applied to enforce or violate an ordinance.

Orthodox: Very convincing bovine clergyman. Yes, tithing is necessary.

Ort Cloud: The assemblage of random particles first appearing as one’s toddler begins to learn the art of food projection.

Ostracism: a. Formal worship of a huge bird. b, Very curious response to fear.

Otherwise: Not the other selection allows for the most competitive advantage.

Outcast: Loser in a fishing contest.

Outlier: Self-proclaimed winner of political debate.

Oversimilitude: When your homey’s sudden act of contrition ends with you in the slammer.

Oyster: The frightening glob of slime only the elite are qualified to eat. ​

Palace: forsaken by our redeemer, yet taken by his clergy.

Panache: Said after frypan argument. OW! That musta hurt!

Parallel Parking: A driving skill best practiced when there are no witnesses.

Parapet: Handicapped puppy subsists on nose nudging and aggressive licking

Parental Guidance: When your kid teaches you how to set up parental controls on your computer.

Partial Arts: When you’ve learned only enough to get yourself floored.

Patriotism: Propellant used for cannon fodder.

Password: The secret you kept so well, even you can’t remember it.

Pasteurize: And you never saw it.

Perfect Health: The slowest rate at which to die. – Wiley’s Dictionary

Perversion: How Sylvester explained the catastrophe.

Pillage: Started with Envoid about 1960

Pilot: A whole lotta Pie.

Pirate: Very angry pastry.

Plague: If you have ague, then it has you.

Police Blotter: What you carefully removed from the paper before your wife had a chance to see it.

Police Reform: When you dial 911 and get a social services voicemail.

Polygon: When your parrot flew the coop. – Wiley’s Dictionary

Pop Art: When your knee keeps time with weather conditions

Popcorn: Dad Jokes

Pot Belly: When the bhang fits under the overhang.

Predictament: You knew about it. But you went ahead and did it anyway.

Prelate: Died early

Prepennance: When you say an act of perdition, then five holy moleys and you’re good to go.

Prepent: You feel badly about it, but do it anyway.

Pride: Known to precede the fall.

Private Eye: The eye that creeps you out when you see it in the locker room.

Pro-Choice: A belief held only by those who have already been born.

Procraftinator: I'll make you one tomorrow. Okay?

Procrastination: a. Most efficient method of birth control. b. Huh?! OK. . . Hold on. . . Just a sec. . . . . . … Procaffeination: Nothing happens until coffee happens.

Prokaryote: Evolutionary ancestor of the Wiley Coyote.

Pro-Magnon: Neolithic athlete

Proofread: What you should have done before you drank four.

Pronoun Closet: The place where you and I may never venture with you and me.

Proxy Surfing: For those who enjoy porn on the job

Punishment: a. The painful application of the punch line. b. The effect of suddenly realizing the abstract has hit you like concrete. ​

Rantipole: Angry resident of Warsaw.

Rash Decision: When you thought it was a good idea to shortcut through the poison ivy.

Rasputin: Evolutionary progenitor of the Vladputin

Redaction: The act of xxxrxing xxx document xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx process xxxxxxxxxxx truxx xxxxxxxxxxxx readable. Rebate: Tireless extension of debate.

Redress: After you spill the lasagna on your lap.

Reflex: When she doesn’t notice the first time.:

Relative: Everything is relative, except the statement itself, about which we have absolute certainty.

Relative Humidity: The sweat that breaks out just as your relatives are coming for dinner.

Relies: Statements provided to clarify the previous explanations.

Rely: When you realize you’ve been caught in the first one.

Remiss: What you say before “third time’s a charm”.

Repartee: After party party.

Repast: Pathetic attempt to escape the future.

Repose: When the first picture isn’t good enough.

Reprobate: When your closet cousin contests the will.

Repulse: What usually shows up after the quad shot. Respite:

When just getting even is not enough.

Review: The real reason you kept the centerfold.

Ridiculosaurus: Silliest animal of the Silurian Era.

Riot: Peaceful demonstration to redress woke infractions, with the added opportunity of free TVs.

Romantic: Amourous burrowing insect. ​

Safe Place: Where you put it yesterday and can’t find it today.

Salmon: A magnificent fish. We admire its beautiful leaps, awe-inspiring photos, and navigational skill. But when we chose to name it a color, we call it pink.

Sardonic: Mordant musing of small fish.

Scatology: Fruit of the loo.

Scratch Pad: What you use when you feel an itch to write something down.

Science: Official arbiter ambidextrously applied by those hoping you will neither know nor understand its definition. See Bible.

Scuttlebutt: Unwelcome canine behavior.

Secret Recipe: The one you actually got from reading the directions in the crumpled-up directions in the garbage can. Sheep: Female Heep.

Sheriffim: Delegates attending a law enforcement convention.

Sin: An occupation less to be practiced were the wages paid promptly.

Short-Term Memory Loss: Ahh. . . Just a sec... I’ve got it. . . Err. . . You know. . .

Slam Dunk: Unpastrylike conduct.

Sleep: Shortcut to breakfast

Showdown: Blown fuse at the Bijou.

Snackrifice: That one cookie you snarfed up before you put out the plate.

Snaxident: Consequence of eating con queso without using a napkin

Solace: Or else you will trip over them.

Space Bar: Where young Luke Skywalker first used a fake ID.

Species Dysphoria: Distress from a mismatch between one’s perceived species and that assigned at birth. Most severe in household pets who insist they are peoples.

Spectator: Whatever. She's gone now.

Speculate: Spec U might just as well go on home, then.

Speechless: When you used glue stick instead of chapstick.

Split Infinitive: Grammatical felony – sentence is for a period of comma without conjugation.

Stalemate: Your insignificant other.

Statistics: Why we should put faith in the law of averages.

Staycation 2020: A stay that will live in infamy.

Stealthing: Removing one’s campaign promise after taking office.

Stirrup: To provoke.

Substandard: Unsuitable for use in underwater conveyance:

Submission: Special order for a sandwich artist.

Super Bowl: Self-cleaning toilet.

Syllabus: Clown Car

Syntax: The tax levied before the wage.

Synthesis: Dissertation on concupiscence. ​

Theosaur: Jurassic clergyman.

Time: A quantity of which the indolent have never enough.

Transfusion: The uncertainty that occurs whenever a new gender is added to the list.

Transhumanism: The philosophy that belief in one’s humanity is sufficient to claim one’s membership in the club. Transintellectualism: A sub condition of the Dunning Kruger Effect. Those with this talent are morally bound to identify bigotry in those who disagree with them.

Translogic: a.The mechanism by which beliefs become facts. b. The process by which facts become hate speech. Transmoral: The newly formulated science by which morality is determined by personal choice. See Translogic. Transom: Esoteric gender encompassing everything – the beginning the middle and the end, the past the present, and the future. Pronouns include they, those, these, and them. Disrespect at your peril.

Transparency: The philosophy that declares one’s self-image must be honored by others has been shown to have flaws.

Transparent: a. One whose perceived identity conflicts with reality. May initiate adoption proceedings. b. One who identifies as a parent, always available and ready to offer expert advice.

Triplane: A special footpath for those who are always falling over. – Uxford English Dictionary

Trump: a. A decisive card. b. A discard.

Tuna: Fish god of ancient Tunisia.

Twitter: Our cumulative intelligence, as contained in the avian mind.

Typochondriac: Obsessive-compulsive proofreader. ​

Ultimatum: A last demand before resorting to concessions. – Ambrose Bierce

Ululate: Yeah? Why u late?

Umlaut: a. German egg recipe. b. A boorish person from the Reich.

Unfollowed: Cancelled for excessive facts.

Unfounded Claim: Your opponent’s opinion.

Unsaid: What it was better left as.

Upscale: What you found when you got home from that cruise to the Bahamas.

Urinal Cakes: Consumer Alert! These are not cakes. To file a claim, contact OutTheWindow@AlpineScout.Com


Vexination: Anger over the threat of immunization.

Vice versa: Suggestive poetry.

Violence: What you may feel when you hear your child‘s first music lessons. It goes away.

Virtue Signaling: When my outrage trumps your outrage.

Voluntold: To be assigned your voluntary position. ​


Walla Walla: Washington State prison located between ting tang and bing bang.

Wanton: Unabashed dumpling soup.

Warrants: Arthropod violence. Will it ever end?

Waterloo: Public convenience at Flushing Meadows.

Waterspoof: The fun thing Dulbert was fixing for us when he spent so much time at the water cooler.

Website: Internet destination having a special recipe for cookies.

Well: The well you fell into because you couldn’t see that well.

Wisdom: The reason Wis flunked math . . . and history . . . and not so good at spellnig neither.

Wit: An obsolete form of humor replaced with bureaucratic bafflegab and adolescent scatology.

Woke: a. A consciousness reached only by those who perceive injustice in others but themselves. Generally happens when reality is allowed to sleep.

Woman: Legal definition currently unavailable. Please check back later.

Worse: Punishment for ignoring bad. Wysteria: The cause of insurrection in your front yard.

Yesterday: The most recent entry on your list of things you are trying to forget.

Zebras: Worn under Zeblouse. Zygote: Living tissue, ambidextrously defined as parasite or child, according to the “host”‘. See Fetus

bottom of page